If I were a Santa

If I were a rockin' Santa,

You know what I'd do?

I'd dump the silly gifts

That are given to you.

I'd deliver some things

Just inside your front door

Things you have lost,

But treasured before.

I'd give you back all

Your maidenly vigor,

And to go along with it,

A neat, tiny figure;

Then restore the old color

That once graced your hair

Before rinses and bleaches

Took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape

With which you were gifted,

So things now suspended

Need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy

And smooth down your back

Till you'd be a dream

In those tight fitting slacks!

I'd remove all your wrinkles

And leave only one chin,

So you wouldn't spend hours

Rubbing grease on your skin.

You'd never have flashes

Or queer dizzy spells,

And you wouldn't hear noises

Like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet,

And no corns on your toes

No searching for spectacles

When they're right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take

In your arm, hip or fanny

From a doctor who thinks

You're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache,

So no pills would you take.

And no heating pad needed

Since your muscles won't ache.

Yes, if I were Santa,

You'd never look stupid.

You'd be a cute little chick

With the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart

When those wolves start to whistle,

And the joys of your heart

Would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I'm not Santa.

I'm simply just me,

The matronest of matrons

You ever did see.

I wish I could tell you

All the symptoms I've got,

But I'm due at my doctor's

For an estrogen shot.

Even though we've grown older

This wish is sincere:

Merry Christmas to you!

And a Happy New Year!

~Author Unknown