Sunday, November 30, 2008

Lust to Flush

What happens when you try to flush a 30 year old toilet? Not much except the need for a plumber's helper. This sent dh on his quest to find flushing perfection. And he did. We have now installed 3 jet propelled poop launchers. I suspect my human waste is now orbiting some far distant planet waiting to be discovered by NASA or by some unsuspecting alien from outer space. Scientists say they had found remains of a meteor that illuminated the sky before falling to earth in western Canada earlier this month. Me? I have a different theory.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Mickey D's Mishap

I sent this to my sis since I thought it was so funny. She could actually identify with it because she pulled up to a trash can in a McDonald's parking lot to place an order. She even had witnesses with her grandsons being in the back seat. They will never allow her to live this one down!

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's a Wrap....or Not!

I just found out recently that a new innovation had occurred without my realization. Have you ever battled with a roll of saran wrap or tin foil having extreme difficulty not only extracting it from the carton but then having trouble making the cut? Only to have the wrap adhere to itself or to rip where you did not want it to rip? Cleaning up after Thanksgiving is taxing enough without having things that were suppose to make things easier only become more difficult. Well, if you examine the ends of the wrap boxes closely, you will notice there are indentations into the cardboard that if you push in will stabilize the tube in the box. How long have they been there without me knowing? Did you know?

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Yet Another Reason to Give Thanks

I've been waiting for this day all year. Not just because it is a day to give thanks. Not just because it is a time to spend with family and friends. Not just because the biggest newspaper arrives that is just burgeoning with holiday ads. Not just because the men stay out of my way being glued to the football games. But because my reward is consummated by having accumulated enough bonus points at the grocery store to qualify for a FREE turkey! Today, I get to cook a free bird! Now I have all that saved money to get up tomorrow to commence Christmas shopping at 4 AM! Yeah, right!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Don't Whack Your Veggies

For those of you who may have an invasion proof house by means of sound detection to pick up the frequency of breaking glass as a form of your burglar alarm, I have a tip for you. You know the congealed blocks of frozen vegetables that hid out in the recesses of your freezer? Well, do not under any circumstances whack those frozen veggies on the freezer door to free up the little solid nuggets of nutrition. Apparently doing so simulates the sound of some bad guy hitting your window with a crow bar to gain entry into your domain. Who knew?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Sample Sniffing?

I refuse to buy anything that has a fragrance to it without smelling it first. Whether it be shampoo, deodorant, hand lotion, candles, room spray, fabric softener and of course, perfume. Some of the specialty stores provide tester items which is appreciated. But not so in the super market or in the drug store which means I must screw off the lid, pop the top or do what ever is necessary to be able to smell the contents. Some merchandise is sealed and since I refuse to cross that boundary, I simply will not buy that product. Although sometimes you can detect a faint whiff if you are lucky. I simply cannot identify with a description such as mountain air or spring time fresh. I am surprised that I do not find more people in the aisles of stores opening stuff up to sample sniff. Am I the only one out there?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Today I'm a Sandwich

I am always fascinated when waking up to find out in which contorted position my body will be in. When sleeping with two dogs, the results can be unique as well as discomforting. My one 30 pound pug only will sleep under the covers and body slammed up against me as if trying to get under my skin. My 90 pound golden retriever likes to dramatically lounge elongated stretched out as far as possible. Sometimes I feel like a sandwich wedged in between two slabs of dough. Other times, I am hanging over the side of the bed on the verge of avalanching onto the floor. Then there are the times I am in the fetal position as if waiting to be born. One thing for certain, I can easily turn down the thermostat to save a buck during this financial crack down. I wonder if the savings equate enough to offset the price of their kibble?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ah, the Sweet Whoopee Cushions of Life

Yesterday, I found myself in the presence of a six year old playing with a whoopee cushion for over a half hour. As an adult, I can testify that if I heard that sound once, my curiosity would be satiated by that lone performance. Not so with a child, who found delight in each and every pffft. Of course, he expected me to act surprised by that disgusting sound and if I sniffed the air and went phew, it added to his amusement. I found myself playing along, not because I like to hear the sound of gross bodily functions, but I do like to listen to the laughter of a child. So you could say that whoopee cushion made my day. Just one small and simple pleasure.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Stellar Start of the Day

Today, I got dressed in the dark. When I went into the bathroom and turned on the light, I was delighted to see that I matched. Well, kinda. At least I didn't clash so I decided I could put up with the way I looked for the rest of the day. Then I remembered to turn on my electric toothbrush when I brushed my teeth. So it looks like a stellar way to start the day! Now if I could only remember why I got up so early?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Did I Done It?

Today, I brushed my teeth forgetting to turn my electric tooth brush on. No big deal. Still got the job done. Just made me reminiscent of the times when more things were accomplished using manual labor. And it also brought to mind the mechanical things I do out of habit which later leaves me scratching my head and wondering if I did them at all. Or did I just think about doing them. You know the mindless things you do automatically. Taking pills, locking doors, turning off lights, flushing toilets, turning on the dishwasher, where you put your keys, where you parked your car. And then the brief moment of panic that arises when it occurs to you that you do not remember doing those things. All in all, it makes for an interesting day. Instead of a Who Done it Mystery, it is a Did I Done it Mystery. The things I do, or don't do, to make my life interesting.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Clothing Optional

I was listening to a classic rock station on the radio on my way to work the other day only because someone else had been driving my car previously. I usually only listen to audible books or NPR. Anyway, I heard the dj refer to his program as Philly's first clothes optional radio station. That just cracked me up for some reason. It made me think of fellow Baby Boomers jumping around and dancing in the nude! It's true, clothes are optional in the privacy of one's own home whether it be while watching TV or going online. So I'd like to make this blogspot's first clothes optional blog. Feel free to read no matter in what stage of undress.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Smile Worthy

Yesterday was the first day I skipped a post since I started this blog a few short weeks ago. I did not want to add another post on top of my last which begged for comments admitting to your own Mind Slipping Occurrences. Thank you to those that confessed to what some refuse to acknowledge. And I encourage you to continue to add to your lists. I think we each need to own up to being our own source of amusement, happiness and cheerleaders as we venture down life's paths. I enjoy being myself in spite of any pitfalls that come my way because the other elements make up for valleys. So I'll continue to look for humor along the way and will join in laughter at others' expense as they so choose to share. Let's all make it a point to find something worth smiling about today. I already have.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Triple "F" Fess-Ups

No, that is not my bra size. I meant it to refer to Feeble Foibles & Follies. In an effort not to dwell on my own Mind Slipping Occurrences (MSO's), I suggest that you, gentle reader, share some of your own under the comment section. My sister had the audacity to tell me that my filling Buster's seed cup with coffee was far worse than her trying to turn the TV on with her car's remote key ring. So please, try to appease me by sharing some of your own MSO's. You know what they say, "Confession is good for the soul." So fess up!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Caffeinated Bird?

Today, I must have been considering having a second cup of coffee while feeding my parrot, Buster, cause I found myself pouring coffee into his stainless steel food bowl. Rather then even considering myself to be losing it, I prefer to think Buster actually having a yen for java and transmitting this desire to me telepathically. I felt a little guilty rinsing out his bowl and refilling it with seed. Now he will never get to find out what a caffeine buzz is all about.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

What Hillary and I have in Common

....our age! Actually, I am 9 days older. Other than that, we have nothing more in common since I would not want to become either the President or Secretary of State. As a U.S. Senator, I am sure she would have a good retirement plan. Why would she want to complicate her life at a time when she could be resting on her laurels and enjoying life to the fullest? I just don't get it. If I were to have that much drive and ambition, I wonder where I'd be right now? One thing for certain, it would not be politics. Oh yeah, my claim to fame is I once shook Hillary's hand.

Friday, November 14, 2008

A Good Sign

This morning, when I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, I don't remember the neckline of this shirt looking like that. So I pulled the front forward to look for a tag but there wasn't any there. What was there, however, was a stamped trademark of the manufacturer and the size I wore, I guess in case I ever forget. So I rotated the shirt around, after with drawing my arms, and put it on frontwards. I am taking this as a good sign that it still matters to me that my clothes are worn as they were meant to be.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Pledges Over the Years

The very first pledge I ever learned was in grade school. "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all."

Followed by the Girl Scout Pledge: "On my honor, I will try: To serve God and my country, To help people at all times, And to live by the Girl Scout Law."

I took great pride in reciting The Florence Nightingale Pledge: "I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly, to pass my life in purity and to practice my profession faithfully. I will abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous, and will not take or knowingly administer any harmful drug. I will do all in my power to maintain and elevate the standard of my profession, and will hold in confidence all personal matters committed to my keeping and all family affairs coming to my knowledge in the practice of my calling. With loyalty will I endeavor to aid the physician in his work, and devote myself to the welfare of those committed to my care."

At the tender age of 22, I recited, "I take you to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, and thereto I pledge you my faith and love."

Now thanks to Oprah I pledge: Today, I commit to my home, my family and myself that I will live my best life. To do this, for the next six months I will become an active member of Oprah’s Clean Up Your Messy House Tour. I will work with my family to create a vision for the life and the home that we want. With enthusiasm and focus, I will declutter my home, room by room, using the tools, techniques and schedule provided by Peter Walsh and I commit to focusing on the quality of my life and my relationships, not the quantity of stuff I own. From this day forward, I commit to myself, my home and my family to a clutter-free and organized life.

I think this last promise may be the most difficult to fulfill.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wake Worthy

After last evening's pitiful attempt of making sense out of nonsense, I decided I am more lucid in the mornings. I love waking up in the mornings and just sitting on the edge of my bed to allow miscellaneous ramblings pop into my head. Sometimes it is a lingering memory of what I may have dreamt. Other times, it is a popular tune or even a song in a commercial that brings itself to mind. More than often, it is a blank slate with an awareness of a slow and rhythmic breathing. It takes a momentous effort for me to even decide I want to break that self induced trance to get up and start a new day. If only that calm, restful, lull-inspiring peace could last more than just a few minutes. I try to bring it back during the day by meditating, but it is not the same. That secure warmth of contented happiness is definitely something worth waking up to.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thoughtless Tedium

I currently feel as if I am spinning wheels in an effort to come with an idea to write about. As the tin man required oil, I too am in need of a lubricant to get my mental gears into action. On the other hand, I might need mental traction to keep my mind from slipping. Then again, to prevent my brain from seizing up, I must do mental sit-ups. But flexing these muscles of my mind is no easy task. Just the tedium of thought is physically tiring. So I may just veg out in front of the TV and allow the powers that be pump me full of useless information. I have fulfilled my pledge and have written something for the day at least, albeit as senseless and mind numbing as it is. What can I say? It's been a long day.

Monday, November 10, 2008

No Calling Cards Needed

This morning, I went to the door leading out on to the deck to let the dogs out, as I do every morning. Only, I did not let the dogs out, but instead looked incredulously at the sight which presented itself before my eyes. So unexpected it was, that it took me aback a second before I could identify it as something that shouldn't be there. Something I did not want the dogs to see. Something that I wouldn't expect to see in a fenced in yard. Two alert and wise looking eyes stared in my direction under an impressive six point rack of antlers. A magnificent buck stood guard over an apprehensive doe who coward in some underbrush. I am sure they were as surprised to see me as I was to see them. It was a nice way to start the day to be greeted by a statuesque pair of God's perfect creatures. I fed my dogs and when done eating, left them outside. The deer were gone but the dogs were impressed with the scents they left behind. I hope the deer did not leave behind any calling cards. I've heard deer poop is irresistible to dogs.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Why Do I Worry About the Stuff I Do?

I woke up to a dilemma this morning. No, not the economic crisis, which well it should be. Perhaps a forgotten dream sequence that brought it to mind. I have no idea where this came from but I am worried about what to do with my complete set of 40 year old encyclopedias with 30 years ' worth of yearbooks. Silly, isn't it? No one has used them this last decade I feel sure. With the advent of cyberspace, everything I want to know is at my beck and call via keyboard. I suppose the best way of disposal would be to recycle. Can they be donated to the library's used book sale? On second thought, what would I put in the antique book shelves in which they are housed? DVD's would not seem appropriate to store there. Why do I even worry about this when I have trouble throwing away last months magazines? Why fool myself? They are not going anywhere. They will be bequeathed to my heirs. Maybe by then they will be worth something for their historic value or their obsoleteness. Is that a word? Let me look it up online. Well, that is another book I can get rid of, the dictionary. By the way, does anyone else sing the spelling of encyclopedia like Jiminy Cricket taught us on The Mickey Mouse Club? Just had to ask.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Work in Progress

I can usually brush my teeth in the dark. What can I say? I'm talented that way. But today was a different story. You see, I had to turn on the light so I could remove the shrink wrap that encapsulated the container of tooth paste. It was not just a tube. This was a special 2 in 1 toothpaste & mouthwash that cleans teeth and freshens breath with whitening and stain lifters. I was able to open with relative ease, once I found out in which direction to pull the arrow. I dribbled some onto my electric toothbrush. It must be the mouthwash part that makes it dribble without having to squeeze. I scrubbed, brushed and buffed my teeth to make them sparkle and shine expecting when done to have them dazzle me in my mirror's reflection much like the Chiclets Dennis the Menace shoved into Mr. Wilson's mouth did. Remember that movie? Ok, I digress. Well, I was somewhat disappointed. Just one more thing to add to my list of what needs to get lifted. My stained teeth, my face, eye lids, neck, boobs, derriere,and I understand they do knees now as well. I am a work in progress.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Canine Clean Up Both Literally & Figuratively

Waking up refreshed this morning, I did not incur any momentous obstacles while taking a shower or getting dressed. I felt stress free as I went into the kitchen to complete my AM routine. Of course, I have to feed the dogs first, then make the coffee. All went well until I discovered I was required to open a new box of cereal. The cardboard box yielded easily to my prodding fingers. However, the plastic wrapped contents may have well been encased in an iron vault! There is always the scissors alternative but I was determined to tackle this on my own. After all, I do not take those Centrum Silver vitamins for naught! I felt in a wrestling match of sorts. Me against those rotor rooter bunny pellets of a fiber cereal. I could do this! I just knew I could and I did! When ripped apart with my colossal strength the bag jumped up so it seemed spewing out the contents upon the floor much to the delight of my dogs, Moose & Ralfee the lil savage pug. Even though they had already been fed, they attacked the clean up detail with much relish and thoroughness. Problem solved so it seemed, until I realized I would have to open up yet another box of cereal. And in all probability, clean up a lot of dog poop.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

No Need to Try This Yourself

I just confided to my sister that I have a blog that I was trying to offer up the fun side of aging and she had an incident to relate. Have you ever picked up the TV remote and tried to dial the phone on it? Well, I have and I think many others may have as well. If not, it's only my sister and I. Must be in the genes. Anyway, she did one better than that. She was trying to turn on her television using the remote on her keychain that opens up her car door. Just to let you know, this does not work so no need to try it yourself. I think my sister may be my inspiration for many more stories to come.

The Reason My Husband is Not the President...

is because I would not want my wardrobe scrutinized as the First Lady. Poor Michelle is already getting bombarded by fashion critics. I dress for comfort and what fits. Sometimes I even co ordinate and accessorize which means my socks match my pants and I am wearing a watch. If I ever have the occasion to wear black, I have to dress and walk out the door. Most of my wardrobe is the color of my dogs' fur which is a khaki shade of tan. I hope Michelle considers this problem when they choose a puppy for the girls in the White House. Perhaps I should offer my expertise as a fashion consultant.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Like Mother, Like Daughter

A new President-elect and for me a new decade and a new blog. I'd like to add a new me but that ain't gonna happen. So I shall content myself with what is. Having celebrated yet another anniversary of my birth within the last month, I would deem myself thoroughly ensconced in the sixth decade of my life. I always liked the fall season of the year so I anticipate the fall season of my life to be an enjoyable experience. I just got to get past the graying hair, increasing wrinkles, expanding waist line and the part about turning into my own mother. That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except for the Alzheimer's which has robbed us of our mother-daughter relationship. My mother is happy and well cared for and that is a very good thing since she planned it that way. I can only hope I can continue to live a full life in the way in which I was raised. My mom planned me that way as well. Thanks Mom.

Last week, when my sis and I visited our mother, we teased her to guess how old we were. She guessed my older sister of seven years to be eighteen and me at twenty. She says she feels like she is fifty when her real age is eighty-nine. So you see, if I continue in my mother's footsteps, my age will soon be diminishing and that won't be so bad afterall.

Finding Humor in the Mundane

Today, I almost drown taking a shower. It seems my husband felt the need to raise the shower head beyond human proportions when remodeling the bathroom. In order for me to adjust the nozzle, I must stand on tip toes. So there I was, a perched ballerina stretching ever so gracefully overhead in the nude turning the flow adjuster, when a jet stream of water with the force of Niagara Falls shot up my nostrils making me fall off balance. All this occurring before my first cup of coffee. At my age, it makes for an exciting start of the day. Can't wait to see what happens when I get dressed....